regalpotamus

Calling the Boxers of the WVBA! Calling the Boxers of the WVBA! This is Keoni Stevens from Hippo Island, and we need your help! *Crashing noises are heard in the background* I only hope this message reaches you! Our king has tossed aside this laptop, and it may be our only chance to call for help!

Our king has gone mad! One day a mysterious package arrived for him, and caused him a sense of visible worry. He locked himself away from matters of state for a few days and now... he has returned from his seclusion, and he's turned into a tyrant!

King Hippo has re-activated the Hippo Island Military Force, banned since the treaties of years ago! Already he's launched expeditions against Rhino Island, and Aardvark Island is throwing down their arms in advance of the wave of our attacking forces, likely to become a vassal state! The arts and agriculture are ruined! Goat and gazelle, once plentiful, are now rationed! The people who used to dwell in the land of a generous and kind lord are now oppressed and ignored!

The King himself... oh but it is too terrible to speak of it on the internet! Too terrible! I cannot bear to see his fall from the grace of the Lava Gods, surely it- wait, what's that? *Crashing Noises* NO! He has found me! Oh, his guards are approaching... NO IT IS HIM! Oh Lava Gods protect me! I only do what is right for my liege! Must run away, fast, but I have to... finish... blog post... on... interne







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As I sit in my study, I regard the curious box before me, or rather, the contents. Some legal paperwork between Hippo Island and the United Nations requires my (eventual) attention, but I stare at the glowing bottles before me instead.

Yes, I have received a package from my associate G. Joe, whom has enclosed a case of glowing, unfathomable liquid. I know it's origin, it is surely of S. Popinski's personal vintage. A terrifying brew which has had unpredictable effects on people.

I have removed three or so bottles of the concoction from the case, and sealed it back up. The concentrated amount of... whatever the heck this is, in a single location, terrifies me. I shall forward the rest of it anon.

The bottles are cold to the touch, which is unusual considering how hot it is on Hippo Island, and how long they've been in shipping. A by-product of their origin? No... something more... I have communed with the Lava Gods and found only chaos. I could barely hear them over the laughing. Theirs is a mixed reaction, some advocating consumption of the bottles' contents, others suggesting to keep it in reserve for a time of need, and yet more suggesting they be plunged into the deepest volcano, but not Hippo Island's volcanos, because apparently the Lava Gods don't want this thing anywhere near them. Lorvon the Future-Seeing, as usual,  was too busy pointing and laughing. Laughing a little harder this time, I believe. Hmmm...

I shall have to consider and think before I act on the contents of these bottles. Hopefully, this will not lead my fair island nation to disaster...

I must thank G. Joe for the opportunity to sample such beverage. I can only hope the mystical arts of flashingturban are sufficient to plumb the mysteries of these bottles which science has wrought. Or at least, that's who the Lava Gods instructed me to send it to. And glad I am to be rid of the majority of this brew.

(King Hippo's typing style seems a little different today. Looks like he and the interpreter aren't getting along.)

Look at me! I'm King Hippo, a pompous windbag who solves all of his problems with punching! God forbid I should allow an honest interpreter/researcher to dig a little into his family lineage only to discover that one generation back the true Hippo line was usurped by a line of cruel tyrants! Why, I'm such a clueless lout that I'm probably going to solve this one with my Magenta Boxing Gloves (TM). Maybe If I odgutsuirgbkrqwrnwrmem';'lfdkhdgohhgodsjdhelpmessseseaSK

(King Hippo's Note: translot no fell gud ned braek break vacayshun get ham iiland sleep bak soon bneed bikd gekybord)

What a month it's been so far! Between the fight with B. Hugger, putting on the moves on the dance floor, and getting my lawyers to sort out Glass Joe's legal defense, it's been a little hectic. Unfortunately, that last one is taking longer than I'd hoped, but he seems to be handling himself well. Might be just what he needs, a vacation. In the pokey. Apparently the other inmates do not like it when you call it the pokey.

So I've completely forgotten about the cookout! There's work to be done! Back on Hippo Island, the preparations are underway. Shipping preparations, mostly. The game is being hunted as we speak. They don't get cooked until the night before, and then shipped via airplane to the cookout. I have been assisting my best hunters, although most of the game are too fast for me to punch them to death. So far the tally is a couple of aardvarks, a lame gazelle, and I'm not sure what this one is but I'm pretty sure it used to be a raccoon. Not sure how it got here. Time to try that recipe.

Training is in full swing at Hippo Island. Stomach truly a force to be reckoned with now.

Still riding high on that wave from the Glass Joe victory. Joe's a hell of a boxer, but mostly in the determination department. Must be wary, he landed some solid punches last time.

The Hugger fight might be trouble. After all, the guy's Major Circuit material now. A solid contender, much like myself, although I imagine it's more a Steak n' Potatoes thing than Fresh Deer Jerky.

Ahhh, the Major Circuit. Fond memories yes, but I don't miss it. Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. And I must stress that the rankings have seen some major shifts since my hey-day.

So as for Hugger, it comes down to technique. Gotta work on those blocks, jabs, and learning to suppress any diseases in undercooked gazelle carcasses. There was some unpleasantness after the Joe fight that I'd rather not discuss.

Going to finish work out; punch a side of beef for a few hours until it's nicely tenderized, and then consume it.

P.S. Beginning to wonder if Translator is up to no good. Frankly, I'm beginning to question his loyalties. I'm king around here, after all. I'm beginning to wonder about his detachment.

(Translator's Note: Well I never!)

Not entirely sure what Glass Joe is on about. Beginning to suspect he has some sort of sinister plot in the hatching. Must beware of his French wiles.

Looking forward to Ryan v. Prince match. Will be interesting, of this I have no doubt. Will surely make an appearance, although I am having a little trouble understanding these "chocolate bars". Apparently, foil and paper not for consumption. Madness. Hopefully Prince will not be too thoroughly disturbed by my words of encouragement during the match.

Training for match against B. Hugger proceeding well. Cardiologist says "walk it off". Uncertain as to the natural advantages that his facial hair provides. Perhaps some kind of trick. Perhaps he is hiding maple syrup in there. Must remember not to eat; it is surely a trap.

(Translator's Note: Some days I wish I was getting these translations wrong.)

Defeated Glass Joe. He sucker punched my mouth. He punched my stomach. It did not go well for him.
You're next, suspenders heretic. The lava gods decree.
I will prepare, and I will eat these four dead gazelles before they go bad. And then I will depopulate some of the neighboring islands of game and vegetation. And then I will train.
Yes. I will consume the maple syrup and his power shall be mine.
But first, nap for a week or two.

(Translator's Note: The sad part is I'm pretty sure I got the wording, intent, and style down exactly this time. Good grief!)

V. Excited about Punching Glass Joe to within an inch of his life.
No hitting below the belt, naturally. Just unsportsmanlike.
Picked up fresh jar of crown wax. Thinking tiny crown for this bout.
Must determine opponent's weakness. Perhaps harsh language. Maybe roars will be enough to wilt him.
On strict training diet; only consuming animals that take at least 3 minutes to hunt and kill.
Had terrible dream, nightmare that stomach became full, did not want to eat anymore; Madness, pure and simple. Blaming this one on internet.
It will be good to get into the ring. Will get into the ring and get Glass Joe out of the ring. Afterwards, milkshake. 8 Milkshakes.

(Translator's Note: And so it begins. There's nothing more fascinating than tracking the wild Hippo Regent as he stalks his prey. Actually managed to catch him in a lucid moment, where he engaged me in a frank conversation about various political issues. Hippo Island is a sovereign nation, and King Hippo has a lot on his mind other than boxing. There is also eating, and UN Representation.)

V. excited about upcoming WVBA season.
Must remember practice:
- roars
- grunts
- crown balance
- unspecific noises
- jab
- hippo crush
- orange crush
Also find duct tape.

(Translator's Note: Must thank King Hippo again for this secretarial position.)

(Orator's Note: UURRRRRAAAAAAGH.)